Anything I say
by YonderB
Summary: Oneshot. Shikamaru wants to ask Temari out for valentines day, and asks Gaara for some help. Gaara says that he'll do it, but, only if Shikamaru does . anything. he. says. ShikaTema. Crack. Not to be taken seriously.


Gaara was sitting in his office, reading a rather impossibly detailed mission report from a young ANBU, when there came a knock at his door.

"Come in." Gaara called, eyes still fixed on the scroll lying on his desk before him.

The door creaked open, and someone entered, closing the door behind them with a slight nudge with their hip, walking to stand in front of Gaara's desk, their hands in their pockets.

Gaara waited for them to start speaking, but they didn't. Finally, after three minutes of silence, Gaara finished the scroll, and looked up at the person who was still sanding there.

Gaara blinked.

Shikamaru Nara stood moodily in front of Gaara's desk, fists shoved as far into his pockets as they could go, back hunched, eyes fixed determinedly on Gaara's hands that were placed elegantly one on top of the other, on the youngsters' lap.

"...?" Gaara blinked again.

"I need help." Shikamaru answered the unasked question.

Gaara blinked again.

"Temari." Shikamaru answered.

Shikamaru glanced up at the Kazekage's face just in time to see a smirk appear, and disappear just as quickly on the young medium's face. Waving a hand at the seat located in front of his desk, Gaara motioned for Shikamaru to sit down, the edges of Gaara's lips pulled up in an amused smirk.

Sitting, Shikamaru glanced up at Gaara, who looked at him, his pale green eyes gleaming with a playful glitter, like a cat playing with a half-dead mouse. "What do you need help with Temari for?" Gaara asked, tilting his head to the side, his smirk getting wider.

Not liking that look, Shikamaru answered quickly. "Valentines day is coming up."

"And you want to go out on a date with my dear Onee-san. Oh, how _romantic_." Gaara crooned, his smirk warping into a full-blown grin, though, the way his eyes were glinting, and his slightly pronounced canines, it made it look like he was about kill the boy opposite him, and eat him whole.

Nodding slowly, eyes fixed on Gaara like a prey would watch the predator, Shikamaru waited. Tapping a pale finger to his chin in a thoughtful manner, eyes still fixed on the genus, Gaara wracked his brain for a way he could help.

Shikamaru could've sworn he saw a light-bulb light up above the Kazekage's head.

Clicking his fingers with a rather impressive _snap_, the frightening smirk still in place, Gaara stood and splayed his hands against the tabletop, before leaning over his desk, whispering into Shikamaru's ear.

The genus' eyes widened, and continued to widen the longer Gaara whispered, before the red-head finally finished and straitened up, standing behind his desk, towering over the stunned Shikamaru.

"y... You will? Only if I..." Shikamaru croaked, staring up at the Kazekage. Somehow, Gaara had blown a fuze in the young genus' mind, stopping all thought processes.

"Only if you do _whatever I say._" Gaara nodded simply, sitting back down at his chair, his face going back to it's usual blank, cold façade as he rolled the scroll that was lying on his desk back up.

In some sort of trance, Shikamaru stood and walked to the door, opening it, before walking back out, back abnormally stiff and face completely blank.

The door closed with a click, and the lone occupant of the room started shaking uncontrollably. Oh, this was going to be _fun_.

Temari watched curiously as Shikamaru walked out of Gaara's office, in some sort of blank-mode, then, quite suddenly, there was a shrieking noise, and Temari bolted into Gaara's office, where the sound was coming from, before she knew what happened.

She froze and stared at the sight she saw.

Gaara was lying on his back, clutching his stomach, laughing as though he hadn't a care in the world, tears streaming down his face, a bright flush across his cheeks, his chair upturned beside him.

"_Gaara_!" Temari gasped.

Gaara stopped laughing and turned to look at Temari, but, still giggling slightly.

There was a pause, but as soon as he had looked at her, the flush across his cheeks started to spread, he pressed his lips together determinedly, his body starting to shake.

But, alas, he couldn't hold it in.

Gaara exploded into a fit of uncontrollable giggles and tears started streaming down his cheeks again, rolling about on the floor, face bright red, gasps of '_i c-can't breathe_!' and '_h-heeelp me!_' reaching Temari's ears as she stared at her younger sibling on the floor.

"Holy shit." came Kankurou's voice as he stood behind his sister, watching over her shoulder at his little brother. "I think he's lost it for good..."

"Help!" Gaara screamed, clutching his stomach as he continued laughing, cheeks shining with tears. "I can't br-_breeathe_!"

On the morning of Febuary fourteenth, Temari blinked at the pure gold rose that lay on her bedside table, smiling warmly, she picked it up and skipped downstairs. "Gaara! Look at what someone left m--"

Temari froze.

". . . I hate your brother, Temari-san."

Gaara grinned from his place on the couch, watching as Shikamaru, dressed in nothing but a pair of green boxer-shorts and a frilly pink apron, handed him the coffee he had ordered.

Shikamaru stood, feeling cold and humiliated, in front of Gaara, who was grinning at him like a king on his throne. Calculations whipping around in Shikamaru's head, made him wonder, how this was supposed to help him ask Temari out on a date, furthermore making him wonder what made him _agree_ to this in the first place.

"Alright. Slave, stand there." Gaara snapped authoritatively, pointing to the position a few inches in front of Temari.

Slouching, Shikamaru grumbled and shuffled his way to the spot Gaara had told him to, standing facing Temari, determinedly not looking at her face, deciding to look at her teddy bear pajamas instead.

Temari blinked at Shikamaru, wondering what the hell was going on. "Gaara--?"

"Three!" Gaara crowed to the ceiling. "Two! One! _ACTION_!"

Sand exploded out of nowhere, whacking Shikamaru in the small of the back, causing him the fall forwards in surprise, his lips connecting to Temari's, and the two of them fell to the floor with a loud THLUNK.

Gaara sipped at his coffee nonchalantly as the two lovebirds stayed in the position they fell, their eyes slowly fluttering closed in bliss.

Kankurou appeared beside Gaara's couch. "Did you really need to dress him in nothing but _that_?"

"Of course not!" Gaara replied, waving a flippant hand in the air. "But it's more fun for me this way."

There was a loud bang from the door. "GAARA-SAMA!"

There was a smash, and Kankurou blinked, staring at the empty couch beside him, and the broken mug and coffee strewn across the floor, Gaara nowhere to be seen.

"... And I'm the only one who's left." Kankurou sniffed brokenheartedly.

((END. My god, this is weird! Please don't ask me how i came up with this. I don't know. No flames! No reminders that this is oh so OOC! Not reminders that Gaara doesn't laugh! I know! -sob- i know. anyway, i hope you liked it, and if you lost more than fourteen brain-cells, you get a cookie.))


End file.
